


I’m On My Way

by casualsaturdays



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Death!Dean, Fix-It, Hurt Dean Winchester, Love Confessions, M/M, Post 15x19, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, because 15x20 didn't happen, nothing too graphic, where's the angel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27673688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casualsaturdays/pseuds/casualsaturdays
Summary: Cas is in the Empty and Dean can't cope.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 7
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

_Little drops of rain whisper of the pain_   
_Tears of loves lost in the days gone by_   
_My love is strong, with you there is no wrong_   
_Together we shall go until we die_

* * *

“I’m sorry, Cas. I don’t know if you can hear me, but I want you to know that I tried, I really did, for you. I just can’t do this anymore. Sam and Eileen, they’re running the hunter network out of the bunker, and I’m so happy for Sam, and proud, but I couldn’t be around them, this ache… I just, we could have had it, Cas, all of it, but without you here I don’t know what I’m fighting for anymore, I’m just going through the motions. So I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the man you thought I was. I really did try.”

Leaning up against the Impala, Dean looks out over where he parked. Vaguely aware he’s somewhere in Appalachia, the drive from Lebanon was done mostly on autopilot, too many thoughts fighting for his attention. Orange, red, and yellow leaves give the appearance of flames burning through the landscape, as Dean tries not to think about the funeral pyre he built for Cas last time, and how there wasn’t even anything left for him to burn or mourn over this time.

In the time since they defeated Chuck, Dean has tried every day to prove himself worthy of not only Cas’ love, but his sacrifice. He got back into construction work, putting his efforts into building and repairing and creating rather than killing and destroying. Even got his own place, just some shitty apartment in town with barely enough space for him and Miracle, but the bunker was starting to feel too crowded, so many people always around, but Dean had never felt more alone.

Eileen had agreed to dog-sit for a few days so Dean could take some time for himself, and Dean knows that, when he doesn’t show up tomorrow as planned, Sam will be able to track down his cell phone and find it here. Knowing that Miracle and Baby will be well taken care of, Dean allows himself a moment to enjoy the peace that has been pushing at his edges these past couple weeks, since he decided to put an expiration date on his grief.

Closing his eyes and taking a few deep, steadying breaths, the peace doesn’t last long before he’s painfully aware of his gun, sitting on the passenger seat, its presence prodding at his brain. Clenching his jaw and strengthening his resolve, Dean opens his eyes and lets out a noise of surprise when he sees Jack standing in front of him. “Hi, Dean.”

“Jack, what are you doing here? I…” Dean can’t help the guilty glance towards the front seat. Kid’s got god powers, if he’s here now it’s not by chance, he can’t not know what Dean was planning, right? Putting the mask back on over his emotions, Dean shoves aside everything he wants to say, going with the least self-incriminating option, “I tried to call you, prayed to you, for months, but you never answered. Why are you here now?”

“I know, I heard your prayers, and I’m sorry. I can’t get Castiel out of the Empty. But you can. There’s a vacancy: Death. After all the damage Chuck and Billie did to this universe and the others, I’ve been repairing and rebuilding. That includes respecting the eons-old agreement Chuck went back on, that god shall not exert any power over the Empty. But if some power-hungry reaper comes into this job, this could all be for nothing. You’ve worn the ring before, you know and respect the burden that comes along with it. I trust you.” Jack reaches out, offering the ivory ring in his open palm.

“If you accept this, your family and friends will go on to live out the rest of their lives, and you’ll be there to meet them when it’s their time. You’ll also be able to travel through time and space and dimensions – I must honor my agreement, but Death has the ability to come and go from the Empty, and isn’t bound by any commitments. If you put this ring on, however, it’s forever. You’d get all the knowledge and burden and power and responsibility that comes along with the job. It’s your choice.”

Dean, dumbstruck, tries to slow his racing thoughts to process this information. Last time he put on the ring, it was one of the most difficult and most rewarding things he’s done; he wasn’t able to make it through the full 24 hours, but he had a glimpse into the fragile balance of the universe, was able to set at least one thing right. Not to mention that, just a few minutes ago, Dean was ready to take a gamble on his eternity, attic or basement; at least this has some certainty. And if he’s able to get Cas back in the process? “I’ll do it.”


	2. Chapter 2

_If the sun refused to shine_   
_I would still be loving you_   
_When mountains crumble to the sea_   
_There will still be you and me_

* * *

Dean takes the ring from Jack, and with a breath puts it on. Immediately he and Jack are transported to Death’s – now his, he supposes – reading room. A scythe is leaning against the nearest bookshelf. Running his hand against the side of the chrome blade, down the glossy black metal of the handle, this is all his now. Even his clothes are different, the same style, but replaced with black jeans, a black flannel, and a black leather jacket. He notices Jack watching quietly as he takes it all in. “So now what, how does this all work?”

Jack gestures towards a table and chair near the stacks, a worn book on the desk. “You can think of this as an instruction manual. Now that you have the ring, you have all the powers and abilities that come with being Death, but this will help teach you how to use them. Once you get the hang of it, it’ll come easily, and the reapers are here to help you in whatever ways you need.

“Everything in here is yours: you can peruse the books, you can redecorate – the previous Death had this room modeled after the Library of Alexandra, Billie’s design was much more clinical. You have unfettered access to this room, Earth, Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, the Empty, everything really.

“I’ll be in Heaven if you need me. Good luck.” With that, Jack disappears.

So Dean reads. He reads his Death 101 handbook. He reads the death books of family and friends and strangers. He reads his own books, out of curiosity.

And he practices, he trains, and tests the limits of his new abilities. Training regimens that were instilled at an early age, but are now done for love rather than out of fear or blind loyalty.

Over time adjustments are made to make this space into his space. Ultimately it ends up reminiscent of the library in the bunker; more shelf space, clean lines of uniform books rather than a hodgepodge of lore, but it feels like home.

And of course, the work never gets easier. Dean can’t quite be in two places at once, but between Death’s powers of teleportation and chronokinesis, he can more-or-less be in two places at once. Accompanying reapers while reading and training and nesting, Dean sees countless people breath their last breath. Some who had it coming, others who never hurt a fly, they all die. The worst are the kids. His heart aches for their parents, as he thinks of Jack’s deaths and how deeply they hurt Cas, and Sam, and himself. And explaining death to a child so young they’ve never experienced so much as the death of a goldfish, these souls haunt Dean more than any of the ones he tortured in Hell.

Once Dean is confident in his ability to teleport between dimensions, he stops by the bunker, invisibly, to check up on Sam. The time difference is expected, given the 4 months versus 40 years’ time difference he experienced in Hell, but it’s still jarring. Dean has spent at least a year preparing, getting his feet wet before diving into his new role, but only a month or so has passed on Earth. Despite not finding a body near where Dean’s car was left with his phone, gun, and a note in the glove compartment, Sam has organized a proper hunter’s funeral with all their friends and family exchanging stories and reminiscing.

Jack appears, but based on the lack of acknowledgment from those present, Dean assumes he likewise cloaked himself from them.

“They’re better off not knowing,” Jack says, turning to Dean. “They’re mourning now, but their grief will fade more easily if they think you’re at peace, in Heaven, if they don’t know the truth. If they knew what you’re doing, knew the burden you’re carrying, it would make it more difficult for them to move on.”

Dean wants to argue, wants to be able to comfort Sam, Eileen, Donna, Jody and the girls, the people who Dean has most impacted at some point during his life, but Jack’s right. That life is over, and knowing what his life is now would bring them more pain than comfort. “I know. I just needed to see them. To know that they’ll be okay.”

They watch, together, for a long while. Jack and Dean, both of them so deeply loved and missed by this family gathered here. Both love this family so deeply as to carry their onuses alone rather than encumber them with the weight of that knowledge. “They will, with time,” Jack replies eventually.

Jack leaves after a while, god-duties to attend to. Dean watches for a little longer, but eventually the nagging part of his brain gets too loud to ignore. Someone is missing from this family, someone he hasn’t stopped thinking about or praying to since he was taken. “I hope you’ve got your ears on, Cas. I’m on my way.”


	3. Chapter 3

_And so today, my world it smiles_   
_Your hand in mine, we walk the miles_   
_Thanks to you it will be done_   
_For you to me are the only one_

* * *

Dean had already visited Heaven, Hell, Earth, and Purgatory while testing out his powers and carrying out his duties, so based on Cas’ description of a dark nothingness, this had to be the Empty. And based on his description of the realm’s ruler as just wanting sleep, calling out for Cas was probably not the best way to go about getting out of here in one piece.

Focusing for a moment, Dean felt a draw, urging him in one direction. Whether it had to do with his newfound abilities or the “profound bond” Cas had mentioned, Dean had a good idea of who he would find when he followed it.

Stumbling in the dark for what felt like an eternity, Dean finally caught a glimpse of tan and relief washed over him. As he got closer, Dean could see Cas, lying prone on the ground. Dean grabbed Cas, eager to get out of this place, clicked his heels, and found himself at home.

“Cas?” Cas, still on the ground, began stirring as Dean turned him on his back, positioning him to be somewhat upright, “Cas! You okay, man?”

Gradually coming to awareness and taking in his surroundings, Cas was wearing his signature confused look. “What happened? Where are we?”

“What, you thought you’d grip me tight and raise me from perdition and I just wouldn’t return the favor? C’mere, man,” Dean said, grinning, pulling Cas into a hug, “It’s good to have you back.”

“I don’t understand, what happened?” Pulling away enough to see Dean’s face, Cas caught sight of the white-stone ring, “What did you do?!”

“Hey, it’s okay. Long story short, we took down Chuck, Jack took his powers, so he’s god now, and he set me up with this gig. That’s how I got you out.” Dean began to stand, offered a hand out to Cas for support, “You alright, need a hand getting up?”

Once they were both steady on their feet, Dean began, rubbing the back of his neck, “Look, uh, about what you said-”

“You don’t have to say anything, Dean. I understand that you don’t feel the same way, I just hope that we can still be friends.”

“I do, Cas. You said you want what you can’t have, but you can. Have it. I uh- I want that too.” Dean, chuckling nervously, “C’mon, you didn’t really think you could get away from me that easily, did you.”

Tension broken, Cas smiled, “Dean,” grabbing his hand, running his thumb over the face of the ring, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Grinning, Dean brings his other hand up to cup Cas’ cheek, “Looks like you’re stuck with me forever, then.”

* * *

ETA:

Sketch based on this fic and inspired by #TheySilencedYou


End file.
